• Astrocytomas arise from small, star shaped cells called astrocytes. They may grow anywhere in the brain or spinal cord. In adults, astrocytomas most often arise in the cerebrum. In children, they occur in the brain stem, the cerebrum, and the cerebellum.

I don't care to list details, so for anyone who wants to, here is the link to astrocytoma. In the article the different grades of the disease are listed. My mother has grade two astrocytoma. In two to four weeks she'll start radiation therapy. It's no picnic but I thank God every day it isn't chemo.

• http/://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/astrocytoma

Looking at these results had two effects on me. The first was a silent giggle. My friends would have understood why I was slightly delighted with this form of cancer, though my present company of solemn relatives definitely wouldn't have understood.

The second, complete numbness. When I say numb I mean the feeling that I still have often. Nothing excites me. Nothing makes me smile or cry. I can't feel. Somehow I became empty inside, as though in order to preserve my sanity my brain shut off emotion. It comes and goes and I almost like life better when it comes. I swore to myself that even though my family is infamous for uncontrollable emotion I wouldn't cry. At least not when anyone could see. The last thing my family needed was one more weeping woman. I wouldn't do it. It didn't matter though. No matter how hard I tried to mask it, she always saw straight through. A few days after the surgery my mom pulled me aside. "You're my brave girl. My good, brave girl and I love you but you have to swear t me that you'll let it all go. This will eat at your soul, Chloe. Promise me you'll freak out and throw your tantrum and cry when you're alone. You're a good girl for being strong but I know what you're doing." I don't think I'll ever know why she is as intuitive as she is.

When I came to hospital, straight from my flight from California, my mother was surrounded by friends, glowing and smiling. it wasn't until much later that she told me why she was so happy. A doctor (if I ever met him I'd probably say something I'd regret) suggested that the strange mass they had found in her brain while doing an MRI was possibly Melanoma that spread to her brain. Melanoma in the brain normally leaves the subject with four to twelve months to live. "I began to go into hysteria, begging God," she said, "My argument was a good one too. I told Him that four to twelve months wasn't nearly enough time for a graduation, a passage, a marriage, and grandchildren. Definitely not enough. I'd be sewing from dawn 'til dusk! Can you imagine? And then there's the whole deal of getting you married off so young... It Just wasn't enough time!"

That, my friends, is who my mother is. From the moment she even thought she was sick she did everything in her power to keep me from finding out anything was wrong. When that proved futile (secrets don't survive long in our habitat) her never failing concern for leaving me was all she talked about. "I'm not afraid to die. The only thing I could ever be afraid of is leaving and losing you." That is my mother. Incredible and unfailing love.

I am quite aware of her limit. She knows I am. I live life from one event to the next and I constantly manage my time so it would only be natural for me to question her limit. "Time is so far outside God that it doesn't even matter, baby. It's not real and it can never measure how much time I have with you. You know how real stars are heavy and pull everything toward them? This is just like that. It'll take everything from you if you let it. It'll suck it all away. Don't let it and don't let go."

Amis les plus chers!


My dearest friends,


Today Ariel came home! After consistent questioning through breakfast, school, lunch, and chores of, "Now? Is she getting here now?" David and I finally piled all the boys into the van and took off for the airport. Even as we sat below the escalator (where she was bound to come down) they were all incredibly antsy in their seats! When she appeared the boys dove for the baby, who giggled and squealed in response. It was really good to see Ari home, though she's a Hartle girl through and through so she threw herself into tasks rather than taking a nap when I asked her to :P. I stood a little away from them so I could get pictures of the happy moment. Watching them all so happy to be together again was one of the sweetest things I've ever seen.



Best of all, now that Ari is home I get RIVER!!!! Oh yes, he deserves MANY exclamation marks, hehe. AND I have the full advantage of being the only person around him who he isn't related to. I think I'm going to like this! David and Ariel are definitely what I would describe as a real family. Things get messy, grumpy, goofy, and sometimes altogether exhausting but all the time they care for one another and love each other immensely.

I never actually finished wrapping up the grand events that took place before Ari came home so I'll finish up now. Like I said, getting into routine wasn't that hard but Saturday proved to be the challenge by far. Around dinner time on Saturday I started feeling pretty whoozy and tired. David had offered to take me and the boys to the skate park but they ended up going without me once I felt so tired. My eyelids felt like lead and eating looked like a punishment. Once I set out dinner I decided to take a nap. "Just for a little bit", I told myself.

Do you know that strange feeling you get when you lay down and it's just about to get dark? There's still enough light to call it day but it's slipping. Then, you wake up maybe only an hour or two later and the sky looks like one big blue and purple bruise. You suddenly feel like you've slept the whole day away. This feeling was much worse. I woke up, so sure that no time at all had passed when bright, glaring numbers, '2:30 AM', flashed on my phone screen. I realized that all my limbs hurt and my nerves were acting as though I had slept with my finger in a socket. I knew this couldn't be good.

The next morning I told David and was soon sent back to bed. What was I going to do if I got the kids sick? Wouldn't that be grand! Come all this way to take care of them and then, figuratively, lay them on their death beds. Yee-haw. I had no idea what I was in for. For those of you who don't know, Ariel is a devoted health advocate and David proved she had trained him THOROUGHLY. I was made to drink a tall glass of water every hour (hydration is not my forte), take a list of herbs that could cleanse a small country, and drink some vitamin concoction that was so sour I was sure my face would turn inside-out. Then there was debating whether or not food was a necessity ( I won, of course ;) Oh yes, I was going to get better. If the strict regiment of oral punishment wouldn't do it, I would at least have to pretend I was better!

David and the boys left later that day for a meeting and, I admit, it wasn't until they were gone that I realized everything he had done that day. David had done all the cooking, cleaning, house control, and managed to make time for my needs as well. Not once had he made me feel as though I had put them at any inconvenience. I believe that's when I realized why David and Ari were so perfect for what they're doing here in California. No matter what trouble gets in their way, they take it in stride and continue to be kind and considerate. That's such a big part of what God wants us to do with our lives and they're a great example. This family is becoming more and more dear to me, which will only make it all the harder when I have to leave them!

Please keep Ari and David in your prayers, also the little boys love getting letters from home if you can spare the time. Ah, news! Abba, Amma, Shammah, and Channah are all expected to be here Monday night! I'm sure we're going to have a BLAST!

All my love,
Chloe

Dear Friends,